Long time no post. Let’s fix that.
Work has been pretty crazy lately. Last week saw the end of the quarter, so lots of people are rushing to complete quarterly goals. This doesn’t affect me too much because I don’t have quarterly goals (yet); however, there was a definite intensity as projects are drawing rapidly to a close. It also hasn’t helped much that I’ve been struggling to keep my sleep schedule on a more responsible, grown-up path, meaning I haven’t been going to bed early enough. I’d describe last week as seven days of tiredness. I think I’ll do better this coming week. All this being said, work is going well. Really well. Yes, I am implying something with those italics.
Tonight, I went to a friend’s new house to watch the Seahawks get trounced by the Bears. I went for the nachos and free beer too lest anybody think I’m becoming that big of a sports fan (yet). As he was giving us the tour of his place I suddenly had a completely new thought: “Hey, I want one of these.” I was a little shocked at not only my desire’s object but also the intensity of the desire. It really was just a flash in the heart, but still it was there for a brief moment. Of course, the thought that occurred immediately after that was, “Well, I can’t live in one of these alone.” Then my mind wandered on to thoughts matrimonial, and then my general frustration with things romantic began welling up, so I set that line of thought aside. I’ll return to it later, when I’m less excitable.
Actually, let’s return to it now. As some of my readers know, I have had quite a few frustrations in my life when it comes to women. Indeed, my whole romantic life has been a series of frustrations, confoundings, false starts, and abrupt endings. I would agree that some of it I bring upon myself either through mistakes, lack of initiative, or general ineptness. Lately, things haven’t been any less frustrating. Indeed, recently, I had to look a frustration right in the eyes and be nice when really what I wanted to do was something that would have probably been disastrous for all parties involved. It’s not fair. When I’m around somebody I’m actually attracted to — something that is rare enough! — my whole personality seizes up. I become guarded. My charm switches off. I even get the feeling it’s rude for me to even talk to her. Of course, I am also plagued by self-doubt and cynicism. It’s hard for me, almost impossible for me, to imagine a successful relationship. So, I have to overcome not only the perceived pointlessness of getting to know a girl but all my other handicaps I mention above.
But here’s where it’s not fair. When I’m around women I don’t find attractive or are off limits for some reason, I have no issues. The knowledge that the woman I’m talking to is not a threat to my singleness is like a license for me to be as charming, funny, witty, and flirty as possible. Everything just comes flowing out effortlessly — sometimes too effortlessly. Every time it happens though, I wonder why I can’t be like this when it counts? Why do I have to be a passive little man when something good comes along?
I’m pretty keenly aware of how I can overcome my issues. Indeed, many people give advice how to do just that, but no advice sticks. Even when I have girls telling me that I’m the type of a guy who could walk into a room and get any girl I want, I can’t believe it. Experience has sternly taught me to believe otherwise, and Experience is the best teacher. The psychological obstacles that are in my mind seem unsurmountable. Everybody is cheering for me. All my friends want me to find a girl. People who barely know me try to help me or give me advice. I’m not trying to sound narcissistic but many times it seems like all eyes are on me and I’m basically a no-show. I got nothing.
Sorry for all the emo crap. I haven’t done a post like this in a while, so I think it’s okay. And yes, I am listening to Dashboard Confessional. It seemed appropriate.