Let’s talk about Superman for a brief bit. Perhaps you were aware a new documentary about him has hit the theaters. I have not seen it yet, but my thoughts have turned to some things Super as I consider this decidedly un-American American hero.
First, let’s consider his clothing. We know the flesh of The Man of Steel will not give way to bullets, missiles, radiation, death rays, or paper cuts. But how do his clothes survive the rigors of superhero combat? My buddy Dan has found the answer. Apparently Superman is super strong and super brilliant.
Second, let’s consider this whole Clark Kent thing. I am of the opinion that Superman is being ridiculously dumb, which goes against the super brilliant comment I just made. Imagine this: you’re Superman (change genders if need be), so you can fly. You can fly very very very fast. Why on earth would you ever take an elevator? Why on earth would you ever sit in traffic? This alone would cause me to crush my dweeb glasses and throw away my reporter’s notepad in a Kryptonian second. Also, why of all professions did he pick a reporter? A reporter! I guess that would be the perfect disguise for a true hero to use. Nobody would think somebody as morally pure, selfless, and righteous as Superman would use the mask of a slimy journo (present company excepted). However, I could think of many better professions, more lucrative and sexier professions, for the Son of Krypton. The first that comes to mind is the spokesman for Hanes. His line would be, “I like Hanes so much I wear them on the outside of my pants!” This endorsement alone would net him probably about $500 million.
So, in conclusion, I have come to believe that Superman is one of those people who have phenomenal books smarts but no streets smarts. Sure, Superman can invent a fabric that is as tough as he is, but has no idea how to make a bajillion dollars with his abilities.