Auto rant

A few words of advice/shout outs to some of my fellow drivers:

To all you dudes in convertibles: Look, guys shouldn’t be in convertibles normally*, but if you’re going to be in a convertible do not drive around with smooth jazz thumping. Everybody is already smirking becuase you’re in a convertbile, adding the Yanni just makes us snicker. The only music that is acceptable in this scenario, a scenario that should not be occurring anyway, is ’80’s metal.

*The exception to this rule is if it’s a classic and/or muscle car.

To people in sporty coupes: You people have cars that can go faster, turn sharper, handle better, and accelerate quicker than most other cars. Please drive like you own a sporty coupe rather than a top heavy, iron-framed SUV built in the ’70’s. Going 5 under in the passing lane is completely unacceptable, and you should have that neat little Crossfire taken away from you.

To the wiggers in the Lincoln town cars bumping phat beats: You are in a stock Lincoln town car that isn’t blinged out to the max, yet you still have enough attitude to blast your hip-hop. You are cool because you make me laugh. Thank you for not driving the stereotypical chromed-out Escalade with spinners and other ridiculous accessories. Now, if we can just work on your musical choice . . .

To the people with all sorts of alternative fuel/environmental stickers on the back of your car: It’s cool that you fret over the environment, and because I like alternative fuels I will ignore the haughtiness of the stickers proclaiming you use biodiesel. However, I will not ignore the fact that you’re obviously an environmental nut yet you still flick your cigarette butts out the window of your stupid Volkswagon. Look up “hypocrite” in a dictionary. Learn it. Love it.

To the guy on the street bike with a hot girl in leather on the back: I’m jealous. For obvious reasons.

6 thoughts on “Auto rant”

  1. I’d add one additional one:

    To the ricers in Honda Civics/Acura Integras with wings that look like they were scavenged from a 747 attached to their trunk lids: I appreciate fast little cars. Adding a set of decals, tinting your windows until they’re nearly opaque, and slapping on un-painted body effects does not — repeat, DOES NOT — make your car faster. It doesn’t even look cool. At least buy something that will make you quick.

  2. I was sitting behind a Z3 on Montlake today thinking about what you wrote, Steve, and while agreeing with you so far as the vehicle in front of me (whether a Z4 is acceptable is up for debate), I had to object overall to the no convertible rule. So many great, lightweight sports cars have been convertibles, and if anything, Americans need to be taught the virtues of low-weight cars. Not so much for fuel economy reasons, though that’s a plus, but automotive desires need to go beyond stomp gas=fun. There are higher automotive pursuits, and some modern cars (I’m thinking Honda S2000 here) carry on the legacy of lightweight British runabouts very nicely.
    As to people with environmental stickers on their cars, Mark Steyn said it best: “Worrying is the way the responsible citizen of an advanced society demonstrates his virtue: He feels good by feeling bad.”

  3. Adam,

    Well stated, but I just can’t get around my impression that most convertibles seem very feminine. Maybe this is becuase the majority of convertibles I see are pretty feminine: Audi TTs, Miatas, the new Beetle, Porsche Boxsters, Z3s, Sebrings, etc. There are some that obviously masculine such as classic Corvettes and muscle cars, hence the exception. I may be persuaded to broaden the exception to some modern convertibles (like the Z4 which is a very beefy looking car), but I’d be pretty strict about it.

    Good quote from Steyn btw. :up:

  4. I give you props for using Dictionary.com to warrant your decision. I’ve never cottoned to using “jealous” in this instance, but you’ve gotta do what you’ve gotta do.

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