The Perils of Fridays

I almost died today.

The roads were very icy this morning. Wait, let’s back up. At 7:30 AM I regetted putting my cell phone number in my work email signature. Some guy on the east coast called me about some work related issue, and I tried to sound not stupid as I answered his questions. I think I pulled off the not being stupid part, but I think I came off rude. It was 7:30 in the flippin’ morning, and I was still working out some Guinness from the night before (Friday mornings are always a little slow for me). Since I was up and awake already, I decided to head into work early. My truck was covered in a thin sheet of ice due to moisture condensing and freezing on it over night. I thought I was going to have to use my spit to unlock my door from its icy grip, but fortunately it popped open on the fourth yank. The roads were very icy this morning. I realized this, so I wasn’t zipping about as I usually do. Infact, when my life flashed before my eyes I believe I was actually under the speed limit while accelerating slowly. I had just turned off Nickerson onto Dexter (exactly where one of my friends almost perished earlier), and as I started to go up the incline my Ranger suddenly swung into a fishtail maneuver. Now I want to emphasize 3 things here:

  1. I was under the speed limit.
  2. I was very aware of the road conditions.
  3. The fish tailing began immediately and without omen.

My truck’s rear was swinging around pretty good. I think it went at least half way into the other lane. Fortunately, I kept my cool, did the thing you do when your truck goes whacky, and had the bull tamed in about 5 seconds. However, had there been a truck in the other lane full of exposed nitroglycerin barrels, I would most definitely have struck those barrels, igniting them, and thus exploding instantaneously and with great ruckus. Furthermore, had a van full of terrorists been in the next lane, I surely would have swiped them, causing them to go into a premature jihadic frenzy, and thus exploding instantaneously and with great ruckus. Moreover, had a car made entirely of plastic explosives been in the other lane, I almost positively would have knicked it, causing it to detonate, and thus exploding instantaneously and with great ruckus. As you can see, it was only by mere circumstance I am able to be here now, relating this story to you.

12 thoughts on “The Perils of Fridays

  1. I keep telling you, my narratives to the contrary: You have a more interesting life than mine. Also I slid a little driving toward the Capitol building as I went down a slope a couple weeks ago.

  2. geez man, a few years away from AK and here you are whining about icy roads like a little bitch! 😆

    Seriously though, its a good thing you didn’t steal plutonium from the could-have-been terrorist trucks’ home country under the guise of making them a nuclear bomb but used it instead to develop and time machine mounted inside a DeLorean and had to send some sort of underling side-kick back in time to correct all of your mistakes, because that would almost certainly have caused a chain reaction which could have punched a hole in the space-time-continuum and wiped out the entire universe.


    Why not think you could have crashed into the terrorists thus preventing a major attack?

    Why not think of your crash as a way to affirm the chemical properties of plastic explosives?

    Why not think of a major nitroglycerin explosion consuming the city as a divine act of a savior, forcing SPU to rebuild Robbins Hall (and maybe the debris falling from the sky would more resemble food than what is typically served up in Gwinn.)

  4. Steve: Mere circumstances? Maybe you should rethink the situation and give thanks where it is due.Forget Guinness and go to somethink less destructive to your neurons.

  5. Deacon,

    Actually, I did give the appropriate thanks after I miraculously survived. My post is highly hyperbolic, as I’m sure you noticed.

    And, you’ll pry my Guinness from my very cold, very dead hands.

  6. I probably would have struck them, causing them to get mad at me and then dump me before we even started dating. Because that’s just my luck. 😡

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