SteevAK’s Rules of the Road

  • If you are in the passing line (the far left lane), you must travel at least 6 mph faster than the designated speed limit at all times. You are encouraged to travel up to 9 mph, unless the flow of traffic allows you to go even faster.
  • If you are merging onto a highway, you must be moving at 95% of the designated speed limit of the flow of traffic on the highway by the time you merge.
  • If you own a sports car worth more than $75,000 you must exceed the designated speed limit at all times for the vicarious enjoyment of others. If you ever go slower than the designated speed limit, except when your speed is dictated by circumstances beyond your control, your vehicle will immediately be removed from your possession and given to somebody who will drive like he or she has a pair.
  • You may never park like a noob. A general rule of thumb is to always park with other people in mind. All cars parked in a noobish manner will be immediately removed and destroyed.
  • Upon entering a highway, you must choose a speed and stay within 5 mph of that speed at all times unless external circumstances make this impossible.
  • If you are talking on a cell phone while driving, you should pull off to the shoulder or at the very least move into the right lane. You also must flip yourself off at regular intervals throughout the phone conversation.

8 thoughts on “SteevAK’s Rules of the Road”

  1. I don’t want to question anyone’s masculinity or anything, but isn’t there something pathetic about men who suck at parallel parking?

  2. I’ll admit, I’m not the best parallel parker (though I wouldn’t say I utterly suck), but at least I keep doing it until I get it right, unlike a lot of other people.

  3. A noob is a newbie. A greenhorn. A tenderfoot. Wet behind the ears. Born yesterday. A rookie. Etc.

    It’s a derogatory term that has its roots in online gaming. A very useful term too.

  4. awww, someone’s commuting! 😉

    the best part is when you leave with plenty of time to get there, and the bridge is inexplicably closed. so all you can do is sit helplessly in your car and contemplate how illegal it can really be to drive on the shoulder for a while…

  5. What’s with these big SUVs on the road? Riding the left lane. Carrying all that cargo (one passenger with his Starbuck’s latte). You can’t see over them, around them or through them. Get the hell over.

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